What Does Your Penis Say About You? Take the Cock Test

Shape, habits, how often you measure it, what you think about when you're alone: it all adds up to a type. The Cock Test is a free cock personality quiz. Twelve questions, three minutes, and you walk away with a Greek god, a spirit animal and a report that reads you a bit too well. No photos. 18+.

How the quiz works

One question per screen, each one with a photo, tap to move on. Nobody asks for your name. The twelve cover more ground than you'd expect:

• How you keep the hair down there, from full bush to a landing strip nobody asked for.
• Your dick pic policy: never, only when asked, or there's a folder.
• Head versus shaft: bullet, pencil or mushroom.
• Model your cock: you drag a drawing until it looks like yours. Angle, curve, size. This one is where the animal comes from.
• Grower or shower. Cut or not.
• When you last wanked, and how long it took. There's a slider. It goes up to "slow cooked."
• When somebody new last saw it, and when you last measured it.
• Your sexual fantasy, in your own words. The engine sorts it into one of nine kinds.

Then a tarot card lands face down with a question mark on it. You flip it. The page takes the colour of your god. That's your result.

Nine gods, ten animals

The god is mostly your habits and your fantasy: Apollo, Eros, Adonis, Hades, Hermes, Atlas, Dionysus, Zeus or Morpheus. Each comes with a wing, the neighbouring type you lean towards, so an "8w9" is a different man from an "8w7". The animal is your anatomy: Stallion, Bull, Bear, Wolf, Lion, Panther, Tiger, Eagle, Fox or Shark. Put them together and you get something like "an Atlas with the spirit of the Wolf", which is the line that ends up in the group chat.

Same answers, same result, every time. Two cocks that look alike on the drawing land on the same animal. Which matters, because the first thing your mates will do is take it twice to check.

What the report tells you

The result is not a card and a goodbye. Underneath it there's a full report, free, with the lines that came from your own answers highlighted so you can see what gave you away:

• Who you are: the type, in plain words, with the things you'll never admit.
• Your cock, how you wank, how you fuck and your kinks, one section each.
• Five traits scored: Ego, Appetite, Stamina, Vanity, Kink.
• Your superpowers, your wing, and how you split across all nine gods.
• A share image built for Stories, with your card and your motto, and a link that carries your result and nothing else.

Send that link to a friend. When he finishes, the test tells you both whether you'd make good wingmen, or whether one of you should stay home.

Does your penis really say anything about you?

No. Let's not insult you. There's no science linking the shape of a man's cock to his character, and the quizzes that claim it (shape divination, "dickomancy", that sort of thing) are horoscopes with a different chart. The Cock Test is honest about being a game. What it does well is the game part: a consistent engine, nine types that are all flattering in different directions, and a report written with enough bite that you'll argue with it. Which is the sign of a good one.

And the questions aren't random. They're the things men actually wonder about and never say out loud. Answering them straight, alone, on your phone, is half the fun.

Want numbers instead of a god? The penis size calculator puts your length against clinician-measured averages. Want her to do the measuring? That's the dick rating, with a warm-up first. And once you know what your cock says about you, the JOI game is where you put it to work.

Three minutes. Which god are you?